Kaitlyn Fahey
Asst. Opinions Editor

I was recently walking down the bustling halls of South, just minding my own business and humming a little Sonny and Cher, when all of a sudden an unknown brute pushed me aside in an attempt to make it to class on time. At first, I feared the jolt would send me crashing to the ground due to my extraordinary tendency to attract public humiliation, but my feet managed to perform a tricky little maneuver and I remained mostly upright. My pencil case was not as lucky unfortunately.

As I bent down to retrieve my pouch of Crayola crayons and markers, an odd sight caught my attention. Smashed between the glass cases hanging opposite the old pit stairwell and the wall was not just one couple locked in a passionate, Titanic worthy embrace, but two! Needless to say, I was disgusted. It’s bad enough that people feel the need to “get it on” in public, but to do it just a mere few feet away from another couple? Really? C’mon folks, we’re not on the newest episode of Degrassi. Blunt displays of public affection don’t need to take place all over the school; it’s a little thing called decency. Try ordering some off eBay.

It isn’t so much the actual PDA that bothers me though; it’s the extent of it. When you see couples groping each other in the math department as if it’s their last day on Earth, it has gone too far. Control yourselves! I mean really, keep it under the bleachers, people. Of course, I realize that many of you hall-sexuals haven’t yet been informed that you act like uncivilized monkeys in a cage with an overdose of Viagra, so here’s your newsflash. So for their benefit (as well as all of the onlookers) I have made a list of guidelines for PDAers everywhere.

Limit oral clatter. The ‘do not disturb’ signs can go both ways. I promise not to pry you apart with my fingers if you promise not to make disturbing sounds. Nobody, and I mean nobody, wants to hear the slurping and scraping sounds of tongue on braces at 8 a.m.

Keep your hands to yourself. Perhaps people don’t mind quiet kissing, but they definitely dislike silent (or any volume of) groping. If the urge to grab your partner’s butt is just that overwhelming, I recommend investing in some duct tape, which is handy not just in mafia kidnappings, but in hand control as well. It may be a little awkward in the beginning, but I promise by the end of the day everyone will like you just a little bit more.

Keep it light and breezy. Yes, I know it seems absolutely necessary to gaze deep into each others’ eyes, thinking longingly of life together forever, but it’s kind of creepy for us onlookers. We get it: you’re helplessly and deeply in love, but the whole world doesn’t need to be subject to these moments. Take it from me, the world is a beautiful place; tear your eyes away from each other and take a look around.

Now all you little lovebirds, hook wings and fly far, far away into the land of love. But please, for all us sassy singles out here, remember these three key rules to public love sessions. Enjoy your homecoming, and keep it clean, South. That means no inappropriate, oddly sexual dance moves or tongue to neck action, just in case you were wondering!